When you find yourself on the receiving end of conflict at work

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When you find yourself on the receiving end of conflict at work

In the heat of a tough conversation that hooks us (or the other guy) emotionally, those emotions can get the better of us. Our egos get slapped around, our precious values are attacked, even our personal safety can feel threatened. 

The truth is that conflict is natural. When two or more people, or groups of people, are not meeting each other’s needs, conflict can arise. When managed well, the conflict can become a productive, creative exchange that brings out something new, collaborative and wonderful—positive conflict.

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7 benefits to building conflict resilience into your org culture

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7 benefits to building conflict resilience into your org culture

Why build conflict resilience into your company’s culture?

  1. Fact: In any business environment, challenges and disagreements WILL happen. For a productive and happy workplace it’s crucial to have a plan in place to manage and de-escalate negative conflicts—with the intention to head them off before they begin. 

  2. The costs of conflict to your business are real and they are high. 

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Four Steps to Help De-Escalate a Conflict

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Four Steps to Help De-Escalate a Conflict

Conflict De-Escalation is a slowing down (or stopping) of the escalation of conflict. In the mediation world, de-escalation techniques are used to reduce tension, hostility and emotional intensity during the mediation process. 

We de-escalate conflict so we can check in with everyone’s needs and take action that will satisfy enough interests to end the conflict or at least restart the negotiation.

If you are in any type of management for your organization, it’s very likely that at some point you’ll encounter negative conflict that needs to be de-escalated. These same mediation techniques can help you diffuse a situation before it gets out of hand. 

The best solution is for an organization to do their best to head off negative conflict in the first place, but that’s another story you can read about here. In the meantime…

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Bad behavior at work: when do you step in?

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Bad behavior at work: when do you step in?

If you are a CEO, manager, HR professional, or business coach, please read on….

According to the Society of Resource Management (SHRM), 87% of employees say that workplace incivility has negatively affected their performance.

So, at this moment you can safely assume that one or more employees in your organization are on the receiving end of bad behavior — not only negatively affecting their performance, but also their morale and emotional and physical health.

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5 Steps to De-Escalate Conflict

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5 Steps to De-Escalate Conflict

As we move at an ever faster pace in this complex world of AI, political division, environmental change, ever shifting ways of working together and resolving differences, and dare I say it –  general incivility – I want to try to simplify one of the most common things I see, and get questions about, in my everyday work. People ask:

How do I de-escalate conflict?

First let’s talk a little theory…

Conflict Escalation is when two or more people, or groups of people, are not meeting each others’ needs and head toward a less communicative side of the Conflict Curve (see the chart below). The escalation of conflict can happen quickly or slowly. Over the course of seconds, all the way to years. It can look like a child throwing a tantrum over a toy, to members of political parties losing trust in one another, or worse.  

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What to Do When Abrasive Behavior Enters your Organization

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What to Do When Abrasive Behavior Enters your Organization

[Excerpted from International Ombudsman Association (IOA) article by Mark Batson Baril, Dec. 21, 2020. Read the full article here:  “What to Do When Abrasive Behavior Enters Your Organization,”]

In my work as a Conflict Resolver, Mediator and Ombuds, I have encountered 17 situations to date that have involved a leader with an abrasive leadership style. It’s been hard for me to admit, but it took eight of those cases over several years before I really understood what was going on — and what to do about it. 

In most of those cases the teams and organizations worked toward agreements that more or less stuck and the team’s performance improved. Yet, lurking beneath those changes was the abrasive behavior of the leader/individual that had not changed, so had not been addressed in a substantial way.

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When to Get Help for Workplace Disputes or Conflict

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When to Get Help for Workplace Disputes or Conflict

An organization, no matter what size, can find itself facing a conflict so entrenched, so ugly, that a key person is paralyzing the productivity of an entire group, a department is chronically unable to come up with a new idea, or leadership is in such disarray that partners aren’t speaking to each other and some are ready to walk.

Underneath almost every negative conflict are interpersonal relationships that are rubbing each other the wrong way. When emotions run high (especially fueled by fear or anxiety) people can dig their heels into their position and block their ears to anyone who tries to reason logically with them.

Mediators are specially trained to work with teams in these situations. They understand relationship dynamics in play and how emotions can run amok.  

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Why Abrasive Leaders Become "Winners Who Become Losers"

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Why Abrasive Leaders Become "Winners Who Become Losers"

It’s natural to make (negative) assumptions about the type of bosses and leaders who make our lives miserable at work—even including terms like “evil,” “a monster” or “insane.”

For professionals who are in the business of working toward a harmonious, engaged, productive, innovative workforce, it’s instructive if not crucial to unpack the package that is called the “abrasive leader.”


“Abrasive leaders become winners…”

First off, we know that abrasive leaders aren’t lacking in ability. In fact, it’s often their technical competence that led to their rise to management. Their skills in their field are rarely brought into question, and in many cases, it’s this competence that has management, leadership, and stakeholders often choosing to ignore the behavior—as it continues to poison the entire organization.

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Conflict resolution in the dog park

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Conflict resolution in the dog park

From where I sit as a mediator, conflict advisor and coach for abrasive leaders, there is conflict everywhere I look.

There are the good conflict outcomes I see when opposing ideas from dissimilar people get brought into the open and wrangled with toward a positive result for all; and the less-than-good outcomes that lead to violence, nasty lawsuits or complex court cases.

I love my seat at this messy table, and I respect the people around the world who sit at similar tables in the worthy work of engaging in and teaching conflict resolution.

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Five Steps to Build Better Team Relationships

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Five Steps to Build Better Team Relationships

Building great companies takes building great teams. Building great teams takes...conflict.

Sound counterintuitive! Especially in an economy where going out on a limb imposes a lot more risks than usual, who would want to add conflict to the equation?

It’s natural to avoid conflict. It’s what separated life and death for early cavemen; we have evolved but with that same wiring embedded in our psyche: “Keep things safe'' and “Don’t rock the boat.” In today’s world, avoiding conflict actually becomes a detriment in building the relationships teams need in order to work together and get things done.

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Do We Need a Mediator? Here’s How to Tell

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Do We Need a Mediator? Here’s How to Tell

When do you know you need mediation in your workplace?

The first thing to know is what mediation is (and isn’t) so that you’re equipped to recognize the need if and when conflict arises.

The second thing to know is that when your company has a built-in system to proactively manage conflict, then you will never have to face the question of needing mediation. But I’m getting ahead of myself, because here’s the reality: Few organizations have such a system, and my team is most often called in to provide mediation services when the client workplace situation has reached the crisis point – and spiraling out of control fast.

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How We’re Getting Hooked into Conflict at Work

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How We’re Getting Hooked into Conflict at Work

Have you ever said: “That person just presses my buttons”? If you’re human, then you’ve felt this at some time or another. You might recall a time when you reacted strongly to it emotionally, and the result was an escalation of the situation, maybe even a fight.

This can happen to the most enlightened, secure, experienced leader or manager. I have seen it often in my conflict engagement work with leaders and teams — and, I confess, I have hot buttons too!

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How to Have Difficult Conversations (Rudeness and Lies): Part 2

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How to Have Difficult Conversations (Rudeness and Lies): Part 2

“'Honesty' in social life is often used as a cover for rudeness. But there is quite a difference between being candid in what you're talking about, and people voicing their insulting opinions under the name of honesty,” said Judith Martin aka Miss Manners in 2011. The First Lady of Etiquette was being interviewed about her years as a journalist.

Her nugget of wisdom still feels relevant today – maybe more so in an era of social-media bashing and bullying.

This has me thinking about honesty’s place in the work environment, so here are some thoughts in the second in our series of spotlighting difficult conversations— the kind that raise hackles, taint relationships and spark unproductive conflict—and how to address them.

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Why you may be blind to bad behavior at work and the harm it is causing

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Why you may be blind to bad behavior at work and the harm it is causing

As leaders, we hold the responsibility of ensuring our workplaces are safe, healthy environments for our workers. We want our employees to be happy and productive. Does any management team sit around the boardroom table and pull up the powerpoint, “How can we perpetuate workplace bullying?”

Of course not! Except…that’s exactly what we’re doing when we accept the myths about leadership that blind us to the damage that abrasive behavior is doing to our workers and our company. It’s more comfortable to accept these myths as explanations than it is to initiate the difficult conversations that must be had.

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Boss Whispering: Solving the problem of abrasive workplace behavior

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Boss Whispering: Solving the problem of abrasive workplace behavior

The Cambridge University Human Resources Department defines behavior as being unacceptable if:

It is unwanted by the recipient.

It has the purpose or effect of violating the recipient’s dignity and/or creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment

Unacceptable behavior is serious business.

As a conflict advisor and coach, I’ve worked with countless leaders who didn’t know they were exhibiting unacceptable behavior. I’m talking about more than a one-time personality clash — it’s chronic behavior that chips away at person’s morale and, literally, ability to do their job. It’s behavior that needs addressing before it permeates an entire organization.

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Outside Help for an Inside Problem: What can mediation do for you?

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Outside Help for an Inside Problem: What can mediation do for you?

Have you ever witnessed something that had you wondering if you should call someone? Someone on the ground, a car accident, a kid by themselves— these situations leave most of us wondering if everything is alright, if help is already coming, if we need to do anything, or if the situation will resolve itself.

Deciding to bring in an outside mediator is kind of like that. Except you don’t watch a split-second event occur; instead, it unfolds over weeks or months, drip by drip, seeping into the environment and culture, until it almost becomes normalized.

But just because something is normal does not mean it’s okay.

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How to Have Difficult Conversations (When You Know You're Right): Part 1

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How to Have Difficult Conversations (When You Know You're Right): Part 1

“They may forget what you said—but they will never forget how you made them feel." Carl Buechner had the right idea in 1971, you’ve since heard variations: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it!

In the heat of a workplace disagreement or tough conversation (or person) that hooks us emotionally—these are the moments we need to remember these words most. But it’s exactly when we forget them. Our emotions get the better of us and we say things we don’t mean or, worse, that we regret later. The destruction that follows is swift and sometimes really difficult to repair.

Workplace relationships can be tricky, because while most people say “I truly want your honest feedback” they aren’t actually telling the truth. Even stickier is how we feel about telling someone higher up the command chain when they’re wrong.

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What to Do about Unprofessional Behavior in Your Workplace

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What to Do about Unprofessional Behavior in Your Workplace

It takes one leader to lead a vision, motivate a team, boost productivity and increase retention. It also only takes one to disrupt a company, erode employee motivation, constrict productivity, and increase attrition. In a volatile market that’s already stressed, the power of leadership is multiplied. In the higher-risk, hyper-competitive environment we are seeing now, these behaviors will exact a toll on a company’s business. Today we’re going to focus on avoiding that toll.

The solution is simple, but it may not be easy: changing abrasive behavior.

What does abrasive behavior look like?

Let’s start with some clarifying definitions. The Boss Whispering Institute defines abrasive behavior as “words and actions [creating] interpersonal friction that grates on subordinates, peers, and even superiors, eroding employee motivation and organizational productivity. Abrasive conduct can range on a continuum from mildly irritating to severely disruptive (otherwise known as workplace bullying).”

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Time Capsules and Change

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Time Capsules and Change

Over the years, I have done my share of renovating houses or commercial buildings that I’ve owned. I developed the tradition of creating a time capsule and inserting it somewhere in the structure — behind a wall, under a floor — so that 100 years later somebody will uncover it. I love to imagine someone finding it and seeing a snapshot from the past tied to something dear to them, and me.

One renovation was a building built in the 1890s and needed a lot of work. The plan was to convert it to an office building to work in and lease out. Our hopes were super high and we were feeling really positive that we were onto something special with this new business concept, so the renovation was a labor of love (and a lot of our money).

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Are You Wondering if You Are a Good Leader?

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Are You Wondering if You Are a Good Leader?

Within a cyber-stone’s throw you can find leadership assessments that list any number of essential qualities a “good” leader must possess. Many relate to the systems you’ve built around your people: Are you hiring good people? Do you have effective onboarding and training systems? Are you holding on to your best people? Do you have good succession planning in place?

All important skills, to be sure — and measurable. But, as they say, skills and systems are only as good as the people who apply them. I have come to believe that behaviors are the root-cause drivers of a leader’s ability to succeed, and be a good leader.

Experts on the Forbes Human Resources Council offer their take on some essential traits leaders need to have, such as: High EQ (emotional intelligence) and AQ (adaptability), active listening, empathy, open communication, hyper-transparency, receptivity, and mindfulness. Music to my ears in my work coaching executive level leaders — yet it’s tough to measure “soft skills” like these.

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