Four Myths That Perpetuate Abrasive Behavior At Work

[Reprinted from Forbes.com Coaches Council article by Mark Batson Baril, September 20, 2020]

When we join a company, partnership or team, our expectation is that everyone involved will exhibit professional behavior toward us and each other. Instead, it’s highly possible that we may become one of the more than 60 million adults in the United States who are affected in some way by bullying behavior at work. 

What kind of behaviors are we talking about? Our definition is any interpersonal behavior that causes emotional distress in others sufficient enough to impede their productivity or disrupt organizational functioning. It isn’t just a personality conflict — it’s a chronic pattern of disrespectful behavior. 

Here are some (certainly not all) of the behaviors we find most commonly reported to us as organizational ombuds:

• Shouting at a group or individuals

• Swearing, name-calling or making hostile or inappropriate sexual comments

• Dismissing, condescension or willfully ignoring an employee or coworker

• Making threats, storming out of a meeting, throwing objects

• Maligning another’s character or reputation

For a moment, consider the individual who is being targeted — experiencing behaviors repeated over and over, usually unexpected and random. What’s created is a slow, wearying and devastating erosion of morale, the ability to focus and perform and physical and emotional health. In many cases, these folks make the decision to transfer out of the department or leave the organization entirely. The “fishbowl” effect of online meetings only makes the behavior even more pronounced. Employers have a responsibility to assure the physical and psychological safety of their workforce. Yet, why do we find this problem so persistent and widespread?  

Here are some all-too-common responses from leadership that are not true and, in fact, can be detrimental to any effort to maintain a positive work environment.

Myth No. 1: “I know the behavior is toxic, but what can we do? They’re too valuable to the organization.”

Abrasive behavior is often tolerated because management believes the person has a particular expertise, does a great job or is crucial to the success of the organization. While these things may be true, accepting or ignoring the disruptive behavior can still have a negative effect on the workers in this person’s area, if not the whole organization. The negative effects are enough to dilute any productivity or success the abrasive leader has generated — in their employees’ decreased work effort, time at work, lost time spent avoiding the offender and commitment to the organization. The question eventually becomes, when is their behavior too disruptive to ignore anymore?

Myth No. 2: “That abrasive behavior is just another management style.”

You may have heard someone brush off abrasive behavior as a “management style.” Make no mistake, there is no management-style category that makes unacceptable conduct acceptable. 

The common process is to advance an employee in a company because of their experience or ability to do the job, while their interpersonal leadership skills are not part of that promotion mix — nor a part of training. Those who don’t have the skill or capacity to work well with others may not know how to get a job done without being aggressive, demeaning, over-controlling, etc. For whatever personal reason, they are acting and reacting and it’s not a chosen “style” — they’re just not aware that their behavior is negative, counterproductive, and causing harm to their coworkers. Whatever the background, reason or intent, the bottom line is that good leadership guides and lifts up their people, not tears them down.

Myth No. 3: “I don’t see a problem — there was no harm done.”

“There’s no harm done” is simply dismissing or diminishing the person who has reported the situation, whether it’s the target themselves, a coworker, or a manager. The concept of “harm done” is a subjective one — it’s not a company policy. 

Difficult to measure but no less harmful are the responses we hear in our conflict coaching work: higher tension levels in the department or team, a decrease in morale and the ability to concentrate, employees reporting that they dread coming to work every morning or that they are suffering from anxiety or chronic headaches or that they’re so distraught they’ve chosen to quit. These complaints and reports require at least a thorough investigation by leadership. 

Myth No. 4: “Let’s not say anything or confront the behavior; it will solve itself eventually.”

In my experience, conflict in the workplace virtually never solves itself. Unaddressed, the conflict caused by unacceptable conduct festers and expands, leaving damage to an organization in its wake.

Silence is perceived as compliance or commiseration and as weakness by employees, which can erode the moral culture of an organization. “If they are allowed to get away with this behavior, what does that say about this company? What does this say about me as part of this company?”

Abrasive behavior is not just confined to one target and if that target should leave, there will likely be another. So the consistent, chronic behavior will just keep going on unless it’s confronted and managed. Besides the moral and productivity costs to the organization are the potential dollar costs of dispute resolution or litigation. 

Awareness of this real and present danger to the health of your most precious asset — your people — is a great first step. It takes an organizational culture that supports management to respond to an employee’s or leader’s distress signals and to address the issue right away. The good news is that many abrasive leaders are not aware of the damaging impact of their behavior and can learn new ways of interacting. Professional intervention and specialized individual coaching can be very effective in shifting the situation to a positive outcome.