When your business team starts spiraling down

A healthy business team is one with strong relationships and vibrant engagement. It’s a beautiful place to be, where people feel heard and creative ideas bump against each other in an open, constructive way. We call it the Creative Tension Zone and it’s the dream (or should be) of any organization with an aim toward consistent growth.

Teams fall out of this place for various reasons, and the spiral downward can devolve into destructive conflict. It is critical to know where you and your team are on the Conflict Curve in order to make good decisions in “real time” so you can recognize what’s happening and pull your team back from the Conflict Spiral abyss.

What is a conflict spiral?

These are interactions in which multiple behaviors by multiple people, coupled with the interpretations of those behaviors, result in a system of destructive behaviors. A conflict spiral can start around things as simple as where and when a team meeting is to be held, and as complex as a proposed equity split for a key C-level founder whose role is becoming less clear. 

Staying in a spiral to its natural end often leads to broken relationships, loss of trust, slowed production, attrition, and the list goes on…It is very difficult to see that you are in a conflict spiral from the inside. Here’s why…

The Anatomy of a Conflict Spiral

In most workplace situations, there is a very basic system at play of action and reaction. Person A exhibits some behavior towards Person B, and Person B interprets what has been said or done. Then, Person B exhibits a behavior back to Person A. Of course, we do this all day, every day, in order to get anything done. 

But what happens when...Person B interprets Person A’s behavior as negative. Person B may then exhibit a behavior toward Person A that is more likely to be interpreted as negative or harmful. Person A may then also exhibit a negative or destructive behavior. This self-perpetuating circle of behaviors, interpretations, and new negative behaviors creates the spiral.

As a mediator coming into the situation at the bottom of a conflict spiral, I may hear from Person A that they didn’t mean what Person B interpreted at the very beginning. Often that turns out to be true, and Person B simply got it wrong. However, their reactions complicated the interchange and so the spiral began.

In other cases A had meant exactly what B interpreted, and some systemic issue in the team had triggered that behavior. And it spiraled down from there; sometimes almost impossible for the people, and the team caught up in it, to exit.

Why and how do we interpret the behaviors of others?

A very complex subject indeed. At the core of a conflict spiral, though, is the idea that each of us have combinations of both unique genetic tendencies and unique learned patterns.  Our diagram shows ten attributes any or all of which may be affecting how we interpret a person’s behavior. So every interaction starts from a place of differences, which suggests that it all starts with the individual — that phrase “it takes two to tango” works here. 

It means that we must have awareness and understanding of why we react in particular ways. Every one of us has Conflict Hooks — personal and emotional attributes that are so important, that we feel threatened  and respond in a physical, visceral reaction. Our normal way of working through things gets disrupted, and often we aren’t even aware of it. These attributes are within us (not the other), and often the person on the other side of the exchange has no idea what has happened either.

This is an important self-exploration, to understand ourselves better and how we are taking part in our interactions. In the moment we can ask ourselves: What’s going on here? Is the source behavior really disruptive or is that my interpretation? Will I be curious about my/their behavior, or am I going to go with my gut feeling and react? How can I be sure what works best? 

When we better understand ourselves in these ways, we can start to see when and why we are involved in a conflict spiral — and how we may be able to exit and recover. 

Exiting the Conflict Spiral

Here’s the big learning part…what do you do when you do realize that you are in a conflict spiral, or leading a team that is “hooked” and spiraling down together. 

In two words, Get Out. It’s that simple, no exceptions.  And there are only two ways out:

• Change your own behavior

• Change how you understand the other person’s behavior

Now, I’m not advocating for a 100% resolution where everyone walks away hugging and holding hands. That could happen, or you may finally settle the situation by firing an employee or even quitting a miserable position. I am advocating 100% for stepping back (exiting) long enough to see that a spiral is happening — in that moment, in real time — so you can make more rational decisions that you won’t regret later.  These are the steps:

1. See it as a spiral.

2. Take a break, at least 20 minutes long.

3. Figure out a different way to engage to avoid reentering the spiral.

Steps to exit a slower-moving spiral, or to reflect on the one you just exited:

1. Ask: What is going on for me that is making me react in this way?

2. Ask: What could be going on for the other person(s) that is making them behave/react in this way?

3. Figure out a different way to engage and don’t re-enter the spiral.

As a leader, you can step in and give everyone permission to stop, take a break and a breath, and work together to shift that direction upward and back into the Creative Tension Zone. The more you and your team have awareness and training the fewer and shorter your future conflict spirals will be.