When you find yourself on the receiving end of conflict at work

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When you find yourself on the receiving end of conflict at work

In the heat of a tough conversation that hooks us (or the other guy) emotionally, those emotions can get the better of us. Our egos get slapped around, our precious values are attacked, even our personal safety can feel threatened. 

The truth is that conflict is natural. When two or more people, or groups of people, are not meeting each other’s needs, conflict can arise. When managed well, the conflict can become a productive, creative exchange that brings out something new, collaborative and wonderful—positive conflict.

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Four Steps to Help De-Escalate a Conflict

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Four Steps to Help De-Escalate a Conflict

Conflict De-Escalation is a slowing down (or stopping) of the escalation of conflict. In the mediation world, de-escalation techniques are used to reduce tension, hostility and emotional intensity during the mediation process. 

We de-escalate conflict so we can check in with everyone’s needs and take action that will satisfy enough interests to end the conflict or at least restart the negotiation.

If you are in any type of management for your organization, it’s very likely that at some point you’ll encounter negative conflict that needs to be de-escalated. These same mediation techniques can help you diffuse a situation before it gets out of hand. 

The best solution is for an organization to do their best to head off negative conflict in the first place, but that’s another story you can read about here. In the meantime…

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Can This Partnership Be Saved?

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Can This Partnership Be Saved?

The cofounder team of six people were all best friends. They threw in all their money and joined together to start this coffee/bakery business in Nevada. They had a really good go in the first couple of years – customer base growing steadily, lots of popularity and people coming into the business interested in what they were doing because of their unique products.  

At some point a few years in, they started having disagreements about how things were getting done, who was working the hardest, who was being paid fairly, and who was accountable for which responsibilities. All while the business was in the middle of growing pains.

They called me in as a coach and we did some team coaching. In my process we did interviews and surveys with everyone at the bakery as well as outside stakeholders. 

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Ted Lasso's tips on handling tough conversations

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Ted Lasso's tips on handling tough conversations

In the heat of a tough conversation (or person) that hooks us emotionally, those emotions can get the better of us and our tender egos can feel slapped around. 

Tough conversations are inevitable in the workplace and particularly sticky when they involve a superior or, even stickier, a boss who’s chronically difficult. 

These are the very moments when you want to keep your emotions and ego in check if you have any hope of achieving the outcomes you’re looking for in the conversation. 

So, how do you do that? We look to America's favorite lovable leader, Ted Lasso, for advice…

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What's behind the leader who behaves badly at work

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What's behind the leader who behaves badly at work

For professionals responsible for a productive, engaged, harmonious workplace, it’s crucial to know what will be disruptive to that environment. Especially when the culprit could likely be a leader in the company.

What do we need to know, and do, about leaders who are regularly behaving badly and harming everyone in their orbit?

Let's get to know these folks, and what may be behind that behavior...

“Abrasive leaders become winners…”

First off, we know that abrasive leaders aren’t lacking in ability. Often it's their technical competence that led to their rise to management. It's this competence that often has management, fellow leaders, and stakeholders choosing to ignore the behavior—even as it continues to poison the workplace.


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When the abrasive leader is THE leader (If I knew then what I know now)

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When the abrasive leader is THE leader (If I knew then what I know now)

As a conflict advisor I worked with a large nonprofit organization over several years with mediation and consulting work around conflict within their various departments.

I began hearing through the grapevine that this particular person we’ll call Marie was a very, very difficult person to work for. 

At first I thought they had to be talking about someone else! I’d met Marie, and heard a lot of folks in that community talk about how brilliant she was and one of the most likable and charismatic people you’d ever want to meet. 

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What's Behind the "Bully Boss"?

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What's Behind the "Bully Boss"?

According to research from the Boss Whispering Institute and others, often the leader who exhibits abrasive behavior doesn’t intend to do harm to others. They don’t lie awake at night plotting ways to make their coworkers miserable. They often don’t even see that their behavior is having a negative impact on their coworkers’ emotions or morale -- ‘It’s nothing personal, it’s just business. We're getting a job done here.’

Underneath the surface of disrespectful, unacceptable behavior, these leaders are not unlike you and me. They feel stress, anxiety, and uncertainty about their future the same way most of us do. Moreover, as leaders they have a spotlight bearing down on them -- when things go wrong it’s the leader who takes responsibility. They don’t want to be seen as incompetent, they may feel threatened and fear failure.

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The Game-Changing Tool for Productive (and Pleasant) Work Conversations

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The Game-Changing Tool for Productive (and Pleasant) Work Conversations

What I know from my work as conflict advisor/mediator is that tough conversations are inevitable - in our work lives, community lives, and personal lives. And who in their right mind wants to have a difficult conversation?

Right - no one! So what we tend to do is avoid it, put if off for a day, a week, even a year. But does the issue go away? No, in fact, it festers and grows until it becomes something much more destructive and even dangerous. (That’s too often when we’re brought in to mediate a dispute or conflict that’s gotten out of control over months or even years.)

As an expert in conflict, I’m here to tell you conflict cannot be swept under the rug!

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How to Have Difficult Conversations (Rudeness and Lies): Part 2

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How to Have Difficult Conversations (Rudeness and Lies): Part 2

“'Honesty' in social life is often used as a cover for rudeness. But there is quite a difference between being candid in what you're talking about, and people voicing their insulting opinions under the name of honesty,” said Judith Martin aka Miss Manners in 2011. The First Lady of Etiquette was being interviewed about her years as a journalist.

Her nugget of wisdom still feels relevant today – maybe more so in an era of social-media bashing and bullying.

This has me thinking about honesty’s place in the work environment, so here are some thoughts in the second in our series of spotlighting difficult conversations— the kind that raise hackles, taint relationships and spark unproductive conflict—and how to address them.

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Why you may be blind to bad behavior at work and the harm it is causing

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Why you may be blind to bad behavior at work and the harm it is causing

As leaders, we hold the responsibility of ensuring our workplaces are safe, healthy environments for our workers. We want our employees to be happy and productive. Does any management team sit around the boardroom table and pull up the powerpoint, “How can we perpetuate workplace bullying?”

Of course not! Except…that’s exactly what we’re doing when we accept the myths about leadership that blind us to the damage that abrasive behavior is doing to our workers and our company. It’s more comfortable to accept these myths as explanations than it is to initiate the difficult conversations that must be had.

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How to Have Difficult Conversations (When You Know You're Right): Part 1

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How to Have Difficult Conversations (When You Know You're Right): Part 1

“They may forget what you said—but they will never forget how you made them feel." Carl Buechner had the right idea in 1971, you’ve since heard variations: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it!

In the heat of a workplace disagreement or tough conversation (or person) that hooks us emotionally—these are the moments we need to remember these words most. But it’s exactly when we forget them. Our emotions get the better of us and we say things we don’t mean or, worse, that we regret later. The destruction that follows is swift and sometimes really difficult to repair.

Workplace relationships can be tricky, because while most people say “I truly want your honest feedback” they aren’t actually telling the truth. Even stickier is how we feel about telling someone higher up the command chain when they’re wrong.

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What to Do about Unprofessional Behavior in Your Workplace

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What to Do about Unprofessional Behavior in Your Workplace

It takes one leader to lead a vision, motivate a team, boost productivity and increase retention. It also only takes one to disrupt a company, erode employee motivation, constrict productivity, and increase attrition. In a volatile market that’s already stressed, the power of leadership is multiplied. In the higher-risk, hyper-competitive environment we are seeing now, these behaviors will exact a toll on a company’s business. Today we’re going to focus on avoiding that toll.

The solution is simple, but it may not be easy: changing abrasive behavior.

What does abrasive behavior look like?

Let’s start with some clarifying definitions. The Boss Whispering Institute defines abrasive behavior as “words and actions [creating] interpersonal friction that grates on subordinates, peers, and even superiors, eroding employee motivation and organizational productivity. Abrasive conduct can range on a continuum from mildly irritating to severely disruptive (otherwise known as workplace bullying).”

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10 Quick Tips for Leading Team Conversations in Stressful Situations

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10 Quick Tips for Leading Team Conversations in Stressful Situations

Crisis situations can bring out the best — and the worst — in leaders, teams, employees, partners. We’re only human, and stressful situations cause humans to react emotionally, which tends to show up as anger, fear, aggression, anxiety, quick and poor decisions, and interpersonal conflict.

Let’s face it: If you have more than two people in a room tasked to accomplish something, you have the possibility of conflict — different ideas, personalities, “conflict hooks” all bouncing against each other. As common as it is in normal circumstances, conflict multiplies exponentially in unforeseen situations and crises.

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Abrasive Behavior at Work: What is Your Role?

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Abrasive Behavior at Work: What is Your Role?

If you are a CEO, manager, HR professional, or coach/ombuds/mediator who is working on-site, please read on….

According to the Society of Resource Management (SHRM), 87% of employees say that workplace incivility has negatively affected their performance. So, at this moment you can safely assume that one or more employees in your organization might be experiencing abrasive behavior — not only negatively affecting their performance, but also their morale, and emotional and physical health.

It is your role to intervene. Employers have a responsibility to manage both performance and conduct, assuring the physical and psychological safety of their workforce.

And, simply put, it’s the right thing to do for your organization and your people.

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Abrasive Leaders at Work: You’re Not Helpless ...They’re Not Hopeless

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Abrasive Leaders at Work: You’re Not Helpless ...They’re Not Hopeless

If you have anything to do with human beings in your workplace (virtual or otherwise), please read on!

We have all experienced leaders who rub their coworkers the wrong way, where their words and actions create interpersonal friction that grates on subordinates, peers, and even superiors.

This behavior tends to be avoided, tolerated, or “forgiven” because that person is in a leadership position. Or they’re perceived to have so much value to the company that it’s “worth” the behavior.

But here is the costly truth: When this behavior is persistent (chronic) it plagues the workplace causing serious harm to morale and productivity. Abrasive behaviors cause emotional distress and disrupt organizational functioning. I have seen this behavior bring a team, and even an organization, to its knees.

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The Silent Ones in Your Workforce (And how to start listening to them)

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The Silent Ones in Your Workforce (And how to start listening to them)

Excerpted from Forbes Coaches Council article by Mark Batson Baril, Feb. 16, 2021

A little over three percent of an organization’s population used the Office of the Ombuds as a resource to resolve a variety of conflict issues, according to a recent internal study of 164 ombuds offices in the U.S. and Canada.

What are the implications of this finding to your organization?

Without an ombuds or similar structure in place to address conflict, 3.2% of most organizations’ employees believe they have nowhere to turn to resolve issues they have within their workplace. If you have 100 people in your organization, it’s likely that three of them are dealing with something right now at work that is troubling them, and that could potentially create a negative ripple effect throughout the organization.

Who Are The Silent Ones?

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Is it time to call in mediation? Advice from the field

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Is it time to call in mediation? Advice from the field

Any organization can find itself facing a conflict so entrenched, so ugly, that a key person is paralyzing the productivity of an entire group, a department is chronically unable to come up with a new idea, or leadership is in such disarray that partners aren’t speaking to each other and some are ready to walk.

Negative conflicts like these can literally bring a company to its knees. I’ve witnessed too many conflicts that have become entrenched for so long that the team or partners can’t move forward. The partnership breaks up, contentious separation agreements or lawsuits follow, and hundreds if not thousands of employees are left without jobs.

Conflict is serious business. Mediation is the tool that can help people come to the table, get clear on the issues, sort out their conflicts, and put the company back on track — before it’s too late.

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Five Elements Of Creating Conflict-Competent Teams

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Five Elements Of Creating Conflict-Competent Teams

Building great companies takes building great teams. And I believe building great teams takes conflict.

Wait, what?

For many leaders, this might be a tough concept to stomach. It’s understandable that most of us want to avoid conflict like the plague because it’s typically perceived as negative and disruptive. It can also, in more extreme cases, lead to costly resolutions.

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Four Myths That Perpetuate Abrasive Behavior At Work

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Four Myths That Perpetuate Abrasive Behavior At Work

When we join a company, partnership or team, our expectation is that everyone involved will exhibit professional behavior toward us and each other. Instead, it’s highly possible that we may become one of the more than 60 million adults in the United States who are affected in some way by bullying behavior at work.

What kind of behaviors are we talking about? Our definition is any interpersonal behavior that causes emotional distress in others sufficient enough to impede their productivity or disrupt organizational functioning. It isn’t just a personality conflict — it’s a chronic pattern of disrespectful behavior.

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When to Get Help for Workplace Disputes or Conflict

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When to Get Help for Workplace Disputes or Conflict

An organization, no matter what size, can find itself facing a conflict so entrenched, so ugly, that a key person is paralyzing the productivity of an entire group, a department is chronically unable to come up with a new idea, or leadership is in such disarray that partners aren’t speaking to each other and some are ready to walk.

Negative conflicts like these can literally bring a company to its knees, particular in the midst of internal or external crises. Mediation is the tool that can help people come to the table, get clear on the issues, sort out their conflicts, and put the company back on track.

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