When you find yourself on the receiving end of conflict at work
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In the heat of a tough conversation that hooks us (or the other guy) emotionally, those emotions can get the better of us. Our egos get slapped around, our precious values are attacked, even our personal safety can feel threatened.
The truth is that conflict is natural. When two or more people, or groups of people, are not meeting each other’s needs, conflict can arise. When managed well, the conflict can become a productive, creative exchange that brings out something new, collaborative and wonderful—positive conflict.
Then there is negative conflict, where emotions get triggered and one or more people get angry, unruly, hurtful, and sometimes dangerous. This is unmanaged conflict that escalates. Over the course of seconds, all the way to years. It can look like a child throwing a tantrum over a toy, to members of political parties losing trust in one another, or worse.
Whatever the situation, it’s smart to expect that at some point you will find yourself entangled in a personal (or group) conflict, and probably more than once.
In my world of mediation and conflict advisory, we use professional techniques to de-escalate conflict—to reduce tension, hostility and emotional intensity during the mediation process.
Here are some tips out of my toolbox to help you manage an interpersonal conflict in your work or personal life, to calm the situation down to a point where you both can begin to talk about it civilly. Or, at the very least, so you can keep yourself safe!
Six tips to de-escalate conflict
1. Check in with yourself and your surroundings. Whether you’re going to help others bring their conflict down a notch, or are going to try to get a conflict you are embroiled in to calm down, it’s key to evaluate the situation and determine if:
It is safe for you and others to engage
You really want or feel capable of taking this on
You will make things better by intervening.
If you can’t do any of these, you may want to remove yourself and not intervene. There’s no judgment in making that judgment!
2. Remain calm and respectful. As tough as it might seem in the moment, the more you can maintain your composure the more likely the other person will eventually match you or at least not escalate further. This behavior alone can help diffuse the other person’s emotionally heated state, or at least not add fuel to the fire.
3. Listen actively and empathetically. “Active listening” is a professional technique that entails listening with intention and curiosity, not trying to win the argument or convince the other person of anything. When our emotions are running high, our clear thinking has been hijacked!
You want to show the other person you are listening. Most of us just want to be heard, and when you start asking questions to help you understand what they want and show them you care, you will likely see them calming down. In this moment you have “lent them your brain” so they can get back the thinking part of their brain (instead of the “fight-or-flight” part) so that they can begin to enter a productive conversation.
4. Find common ground. In listening to their answers, you both have a better chance of coming to an understanding of what’s beneath this conflict. If this happens, acknowledge their emotions or perspective—this does not necessarily mean you agree but that you can see where they’re coming from. You might recognize and identify some shared interests or goals that can help you both focus on areas of agreement.
If this is not the case, at least you both should be at a point of more calm and clarity. This often is a good point to check in again with yourself and the situation to determine if your intervention is working and what next steps you both could take toward resolution.
5. Take a break. Sometimes using time and distance helps. Suggest taking a break, or step away from the situation yourself temporarily, to allow emotions to cool down and provide the chance for reflection. Make this suggestion to the person with calm, respect and empathy. Try to agree on a specific time to reconvene or whatever choice is appropriate at this stage of the game. Just agreeing on taking a break can be a healthy start to eventually finding a mutually acceptable solution to the issues that caused the conflict.
6. Bring in a third party. In some cases, it’s best to get some help, such as a mediator, designated advisor in your company, or individual whom you both trust. An impartial third party, especially one who is trained in conflict competence or dispute resolution, can take over for you to achieve the outcomes you both want to have.
By the way, yours may be a company like many others that are incorporating conflict resolution by establishing policies for conflict de-escalation, partnering with mediators, training their managers and select employees on conflict de-escalation, and other measures that keep an organization safe, collaborative, productive and resilient.
Wouldn’t it be great to be able to tap into one of those people (or BE one of those people) when you encounter negative conflict in your workplace?
If you would like to dive deeper read my white paper, Get C.L.E.A.R. on De-Escalating Conflict. Get your free download by commenting below or messaging me.
This is one way in our daily lives where small pieces of peacemaking, amongst the chaos, can have untold value in the long game of conflict resolution in the world. Through one de-escalation at a time, you are making a positive difference.
When we join a company, partnership or team, our expectation is that everyone involved will exhibit professional behavior toward us and each other. Instead, it’s highly possible that we may become one of the more than 60 million adults in the United States who are affected in some way by bullying behavior at work.
What kind of behaviors are we talking about? Our definition is any interpersonal behavior that causes emotional distress in others sufficient enough to impede their productivity or disrupt organizational functioning. It isn’t just a personality conflict — it’s a chronic pattern of disrespectful behavior.