How to Have Difficult Conversations (Rudeness and Lies): Part 2
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“'Honesty' in social life is often used as a cover for rudeness. But there is quite a difference between being candid in what you're talking about, and people voicing their insulting opinions under the name of honesty,” said Judith Martin aka Miss Manners in 2011. The First Lady of Etiquette was being interviewed about her years as a journalist.
This nugget of wisdom still feels relevant today – maybe more so in an era of social-media bashing and bullying.
It has me thinking about honesty’s place in the work environment, so here are some thoughts in the second in our series of spotlighting difficult conversations— the kind that raise hackles, taint relationships and spark unproductive conflict—and how to address them.
Have you heard someone say (maybe not in so many words but you got the message loud and clear…), “I’m not rude, I’m honest! If other people can’t handle the truth, that’s their problem!”
When I’m doing mediation work with folks like this (and I definitely do, most commonly with abrasive leaders), I will answer, “Well yes AND no.” The art of mediation goes on…I help them understand that the way someone responds to you IS your problem if you’re having a discussion in order to reach an outcome that you desire or need. Why would you want to adopt a manner that’s going to alienate the other party who is key to helping you reach that outcome – no matter how right or honest you may be?
Oh.
You can’t always change minds, but you sure can open them up to another way of looking at things…
1. There’s a fine line between honesty and rudeness.
So, Miss Manners, how do you tell the difference?
The line some people fail to draw is between being honest and being inconsiderate. Honesty is not a license to stop monitoring yourself for words that may hurt or push away others. You can be honest, and considerate. You can tell the truth in a way that uplifts, not cuts.
And, as the proverb goes: You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
We all want to speak our minds, and I’m all for that! There are plenty of times throughout my day when I want to say the first thing that comes to mind, but then I check in to see how it’s going to land for the other person.
The tip: Speak your mind with consideration and respect for your listener. When you are considering blurting out the first honest thought that comes to your mind, ask yourself:
How is this going to be heard?
Is it going to further my goals?
Is it going to benefit anyone, in any way, by saying these words in this way?
Bonus tip: Don’t be a doormat. When you are on the receiving end of a person’s rudeness, you have as much right to speak your mind as they just have—specifically, about the ways you will or will not allow yourself to be treated.
With a respectful tone, of course, let them know that you do not accept being spoken to in that manner, so “let’s find another way to do this.”
As a leader, you can also use the moment as an educational opportunity to talk about civility and respect within your team. We desperately need those conversations in today's business world.
2. There’s always a way to tell the truth.
Lest anyone be driven to the other end of the spectrum, I’m not saying to avoid the truth. Ultimately, nobody values deception either, no matter how our society may appear sometimes!
In a Harvard study, participants were asked to judge the character of two people giving answers to interview questions. Over and over, those who gave truthful, even embarrassing answers to questions about their sexual history, bad grades, or drug use were viewed more positively than those who withheld information.
What was revealed is a great lesson: While our first instinct is to hide or twist information that paints us unfavorably, it doesn’t benefit us. Doing the opposite actually has the effect we’re looking for, even in first-impression situations like dates or job interviews.
By being honest with our own flaws, we’re viewed as trustworthy. And personal and work relationships are, fundamentally, all about trust.
Balance is key. Don’t go overboard, treating your boss’ office like a confessional booth. Be kindly candid, and you will build trust within your teams, be seen as reputable, and avoid or head off those sticky situations created by rudeness or lying.
The tip: Be kindly candid. It works.
Having (or running from) difficult conversations in your workplace? Contact Resologics about this and other constructive conflict issues at mark@resologics.com or 510.314.8314.
When we join a company, partnership or team, our expectation is that everyone involved will exhibit professional behavior toward us and each other. Instead, it’s highly possible that we may become one of the more than 60 million adults in the United States who are affected in some way by bullying behavior at work.
What kind of behaviors are we talking about? Our definition is any interpersonal behavior that causes emotional distress in others sufficient enough to impede their productivity or disrupt organizational functioning. It isn’t just a personality conflict — it’s a chronic pattern of disrespectful behavior.