The Game-Changing Tool for Productive (and Pleasant) Work Conversations
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What I know from my work as conflict advisor/mediator is that tough conversations are inevitable - in our work lives, community lives, and personal lives. And who in their right mind wants to have a difficult conversation?
Right - no one! So what we tend to do is avoid it, put if off for a day, a week, even a year. But does the issue go away? No, in fact, it festers and grows until it becomes something much more destructive and even dangerous. (That’s too often when we’re brought in to mediate a dispute or conflict that’s gotten out of control over months or even years.)
As an expert in conflict, I’m here to tell you conflict cannot be swept under the rug!
Let’s change the conversation on conversations
Rather than sweep those tough confrontations under the rug, we can decide to look at them differently. The flip side of difficult conversations is having meaningful conversations. What if we intentionally approached any conversation we’re about to have by asking ourselves: “How can I have the most impact with what I need to say?”
Whatever field or endeavor you’re in, it’s likely you are with people who want to be heard, respected, trusted - just like you do. It’s human nature. Practicing meaningful conversations can accomplish this. The result? A strong team who can exchange ideas effectively, disagree healthily, innovate creatively, and get stuff done!
The Tool: Positive Feedback Conversation Exercise
The idea is to prepare yourself (and your team) for the tough conversation BEFORE it happens, so you’re ready to engage instead of run. The beauty is that once you become familiar with this tool, you’ll be able to use it to make every conversation you engage in meaningful and productive.
This is an exercise conducted by someone in leadership – a team lead, senior manager, from the company’s leadership team, the CEO/ED. If you feel the need for help in facilitating this, talk to me or someone else who’s expert at this.
Another prep tool: This exercise needs to be carried out in the spirit of mutual respect intention and trust. Gauge the level of trust among team members (and with the leader) and decide if you need to get to work on that first.
So, here’s how it works: In a facilitated team setting, pair off your members, preferably randomly, and have them meet in separate parts of the room (or online breakouts).
Ask each one to take 5 minutes to think of and jot down something they want to say to their partner that is positive, i.e., project well done, contribution to a meeting, talent or skill they displayed. Partner #1 shares for 5 minutes with Partner # 2, and then switch giving Partner # 2 the chance to share for 5 minutes), prompted by the following:
The Conversations:
1. Here’s what happened: description of what happened, without judgment. “You delivered this project on-time.”
2. Here’s what I saw from my perspective: “The client called and had this positive reaction. As your boss, you made me look good in front of the client, and I’ll likely get a bonus and maybe you will too.”
3. Here’s why it really impacted me on several levels (it can get deep, pretty fast): “This was a really important project to me because it’s the first one since I took this position. I have a new baby on the way, and I need this job to last. I'll feel safer in my job now because of this and that feels awesome!" Or, "Your work goes a long way to helping the poverty situation in our community which is so important to me because....”
4. Make an ask for continued similar behavior or a change in behavior: In this exercise it may be that you are asking for more of the same. In a difficult conversation it may be that you are asking for change, i.e., starting an open negotiation, or, as a boss, making a demand.
Then come back as a group and talk about what just happened. Explore the idea of practicing the same exercise ut this time with a group example of a typical difficult conversation.
The results can be a game-changer
I recall one workshop we conducted as conflict advisors in which the random countoff paired two people who’d never even had a personal conversation -- the CEO and a recent staff hire who’d been working there for months.
After the exercise, the CEO exclaimed delightedly: “This is one of the most impactful conversations I’ve ever had with anybody on this team, because my partner didn’t just tell me, ‘that was great’ they told me why it was great for them - just went down the list, getting to a super-emotional level with me. We need to do more of that.”
Same result for the CEO’s partner, because the exercise gave this person permission to go deep safely, candidly, and without fear of repercussions – something they’d never experienced in a job before. Powerful stuff!
Again, it’s wise to bring in a professional to facilitate this work, because it can get deep really fast. And, as I’ve seen, a lot can be accomplished in a short period of time in a facilitated atmosphere.
Go for it and good luck!
When we join a company, partnership or team, our expectation is that everyone involved will exhibit professional behavior toward us and each other. Instead, it’s highly possible that we may become one of the more than 60 million adults in the United States who are affected in some way by bullying behavior at work.
What kind of behaviors are we talking about? Our definition is any interpersonal behavior that causes emotional distress in others sufficient enough to impede their productivity or disrupt organizational functioning. It isn’t just a personality conflict — it’s a chronic pattern of disrespectful behavior.