How We’re Getting Hooked into Conflict at Work
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Have you ever said: “That person just presses my buttons”? If you’re human, then you’ve felt this at some time or another. You might recall a time when you reacted strongly to it emotionally, and the result was an escalation of the situation, maybe even a fight.
This can happen to the most enlightened, secure, experienced leader or manager. I have seen it often in my conflict engagement work with leaders and teams — and, I confess, I have hot buttons too!
Tammy Lenski, conflict resolution educator, author, coach and mediator, calls them ‘conflict hooks’ because they are your personal hot buttons that hook you into a reaction to the person pushing those buttons, whether or not that person has any idea what your conflict hooks might be or is aware they’re doing any pushing..
In most cases we believe that THEY are doing it to US. What we don’t realize is that these conflict hooks come from within us. What may be pushing your buttons is not the same thing that might push someone else’s. So, it’s about us, not the other person — we “hook ourselves” into a reaction which in most cases does not serve us or anyone else very well.
Picture George (unaware of his particular conflict hooks), and Geraldine says something that pushes George’s buttons. He’s hooked in now and reacts by lashing out at Geraldine, who is stunned — where did THAT come from? What did I do to deserve that nasty response?! And she reacts in kind, and a conflict spark has just caught fire.
Now multiply that by 8 or 18 or 28 people in a room together (live or virtually), each with their personal hooks trying to work together on a high-stakes, high-anxiety project. The potential for conflict rises exponentially!
Conflict hooks are based in our identity, background and makeup, and relate to how we perceive a threat. It may or may not be a real threat – but it’s real to us in that moment, and we feel it!
Six common conflict hooks – which ones do you relate to?
What do we mean by a “threat?” We don’t typically think of our workplace or team members as threatening. Let’s turn to the work of Dr. Stella Ting-Toomey, specialist in intercultural communication theory and interpersonal conflict management, who finds that humans commonly have six identities which also represent common conflict hooks.
These parts of ourselves are so important to us (usually outside our awareness) that we are on a constant lookout for someone to threaten them/us. In our work with leaders and teams, we often use these to help each person identify which ones might describe their own conflict hooks, as well as become aware of what might be ‘hooking’ their fellow team members.
Competence – you’re hooked when you perceive that someone is questioning your intelligence or skills.
Inclusion – you’re hooked when someone appears to be excluding you in some way (from a group, an event, a committee, etc.) or implies you’re not a good companion.
Autonomy – you’re hooked when someone appears to be trying to control you, impose upon you, or threaten your self-reliance.
Status – you’re hooked when you perceive that someone is threatening or dissing your tangible and/or intangible assets, including power, position, economic worth, and attractiveness.
Reliability – you’re hooked when you perceive that someone is questioning your trustworthiness or dependability.
Integrity – you’re hooked when someone appears to be questioning your moral values or integrity.
Understanding your own conflict hooks helps you think about conflict in a new way. We become able to see our response as an observer, and make a choice as to how we want to respond, rather than suffer from the outcomes of our emotional reactions. We can choose how we react when we’re about to get ‘hooked.’
The Tool: Assess your own conflict hooks
The following is a powerful exercise that opens a door to self-awareness and greater sensitivity to others, for both individuals and teams -- and these are skills that can be taught that can improve communication, increase collaboration, and reduce interpersonal conflict. .
1. Think through 2-3 past interactions/situations were you got hooked. Times when you found yourself in a conflict headed for negative outcomes and had some pretty strong feelings/emotions around it. Something pulled you in.
Take a little bit of time here to remember what happened, who did what, what it felt like at the time, and maybe what it feels like now.
What emotions went with the experience? On a sheet of paper, write a title or brief description of each “conflict story” so you remember what they were.
2. Now, with each of your conflict stories in mind, go through the list of hooks in the above information and identify which one (if any) was most responsible for hooking you.
Which was the hook that pulled you in? If there was more than one, note them. If you don't relate to any of the six, what do you identify with? What hooks you? Write down the name of the hook next to each story.
3. Here are some questions to reflect on about the hooks you’ve identified:
What does it look and feel like when you get hooked?
Are there hooks you get caught by more often than others?
Where did you get your hooks and triggers?
What are some ideas about how to see the hooks before they catch you? How will you practice?
What about once you’ve already been hooked? How do you get unhooked? How will you practice?
What kind of hooks does your closest friend have? What about your boss?
This is a great self-awareness tool to begin to understand the skills you can develop, for yourself and for your team, that will build the trust and cooperation which are the hallmark of a strong team.
I’m happy to chat with you to answer any questions, so just click here to schedule a conversation.
When we join a company, partnership or team, our expectation is that everyone involved will exhibit professional behavior toward us and each other. Instead, it’s highly possible that we may become one of the more than 60 million adults in the United States who are affected in some way by bullying behavior at work.
What kind of behaviors are we talking about? Our definition is any interpersonal behavior that causes emotional distress in others sufficient enough to impede their productivity or disrupt organizational functioning. It isn’t just a personality conflict — it’s a chronic pattern of disrespectful behavior.