5 Steps to De-Escalate Conflict
/As we move at an ever faster pace in this complex world of AI, political division, environmental change, ever shifting ways of working together and resolving differences, and dare I say it – general incivility – I want to try to simplify one of the most common things I see, and get questions about, in my everyday work. People ask:
How do I de-escalate conflict?
First let’s talk a little theory…
Conflict Escalation is when two or more people, or groups of people, are not meeting each others’ needs and head toward a less communicative side of the Conflict Curve (see the chart below). The escalation of conflict can happen quickly or slowly. Over the course of seconds, all the way to years. It can look like a child throwing a tantrum over a toy, to members of political parties losing trust in one another, or worse.
All conflicts fit on the Conflict Curve, and given enough time and attention most will resolve at some point along the curve. The ultimate low part of the Conflict Curve involves violence, project failure, or war.
If you take a deep dive into the theory and learning from the Conflict Curve exercise, the big takeaway is that early recognition and intervention will get those involved back on track to normal relations faster than if you wait to intervene. True of a married couple in trouble, or a team dealing with a leader they perceive to be abrasive. The “Loss of Trust” line can be tricky in that it can happen at just about any point on the curve. Depending upon a whole slew of factors, trust may be lost early, or may hang on for a long time until one day it has been worn away to the point of being too small to help. The big lesson is - if you/they cross the Loss of Trust line, it is much harder to de-escalate the conflict.
Conflict De-Escalation is a slowing down (or stopping) of the escalation of conflict. We de-escalate conflict so we can check in with everyone’s needs and take action that will satisfy enough interests to end the conflict or at least restart the negotiation.
What are the Steps to De-Escalating Conflict?
Check-in with Yourself and Your Surroundings.
Listen / Empathize.
Call for or Take Action.
Repeat.
1. Know Yourself and the Situation. Whether you are going to help others bring their conflict down a notch, or are going to try to get a conflict you are embroiled in to calm down, you must understand yourself enough to know when you can and cannot intervene:
What triggers me?
What are my natural ways of dealing with conflict?
Will I be able to make productive decisions in the heat of this moment?
You will need to evaluate whether or not it is safe for you and others, and whether or not you will make things better by intervening. If you can’t do that, you will need to remove yourself and not intervene. I have found this Hooks exercise to be useful for most people. The TKI Conflict Styles tool is also a great way to explore your own “stuff.” If you can intervene, you’ll need to take just a single tool with you into that conversation.
2. Exercise Active Listening. Once we have cleared ourselves for intervening, we must be prepared to listen to both sides, or in the case of our own conflicts, the other side. Active listening means the other side knows you are listening:
You are repeating back to them what they said.
You are not judging.
You are empathizing with them and reflecting back your understanding of what they are going through.
You’re not just nodding your head. You’re in there with them, “all-in” to get to the core of what’s going on.
Each time they tell you something, you are there with a question that will help you understand more.
You are reframing their words in a way that keeps the big content, and allows a nuancing that could be productive.
You are deeply curious.
If you are there as the in-between, you act as the conduit of listening so everyone can hear. John Ford’s words ring true here.
3. Call for Action. No conflict was ever resolved by doing the same thing over and over again. At some point in this de-escalation process, someone must ask a question or make an ask, or a suggestion, or a demand, that will send the conflict in a direction that will de-escalate it.
When things are super hot, amygdalas have been hijacked, and anger is at the surface, a demand for a break may be the call for action. If the listening has had a calming effect, the call to action might be for more conversation, or a suggestion about what to agree on now, or later.
4. Repeat. The three steps above rarely work on the first round or in sequence. Be prepared to check-in with yourself again, listen and try to understand again, and call/ask for some kind of action that will make change.
5. Practice (you knew it was coming). The only way to get better at de-escalating conflict is to practice doing it. Practice at least the first two of the above steps separately when you are not de-escalating a conflict.
(1) Check in with yourself when someone else is describing a conflict, or maybe you are reading an article about a conflict (too many to link to here).
What’s going on for me?
Would I have been okay to intervene in this situation? Why? Why not?
(2) Actively listen to everyone you meet for the next two weeks. Push that practice until it comes naturally and is fun.
(3) Try putting it all together in situations that you can see sliding down the Conflict Curve. Maybe start with some low level conflicts like where to go to dinner Friday, and move your way up to the bigger stuff.
Every day I practice. Each day I hope to be better at it than I am today…
When we join a company, partnership or team, our expectation is that everyone involved will exhibit professional behavior toward us and each other. Instead, it’s highly possible that we may become one of the more than 60 million adults in the United States who are affected in some way by bullying behavior at work.
What kind of behaviors are we talking about? Our definition is any interpersonal behavior that causes emotional distress in others sufficient enough to impede their productivity or disrupt organizational functioning. It isn’t just a personality conflict — it’s a chronic pattern of disrespectful behavior.