Are There Only Bad Guys or Good Guys in the Workplace?
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In a world of Hollywood movies and childhood stories of right vs. wrong, good vs. evil, it’s natural that we see ‘heroes’ and ‘villains’ in our lives. We’re the main characters in our stories, and the role of antagonist is often carried by those who make our lives difficult. For many in the workplace this means the boss.
Let’s reframe that script for a moment by remembering that our bosses (or anyone who has authority over us) are people too. They are main characters of their own story, with their own dreams and struggles and interests, trying to make it through life just like the rest of us.
So why do they struggle to be kind? Why do they feel they have to “flog work forward?” Why is aggression their go-to leadership style? How do we marry this discrepancy?
A good person can exhibit bad behavior
According to research from the Boss Whispering Institute and others, often the leader who exhibits abrasive behavior doesn’t intend to do harm to others. They don’t lie awake at night plotting ways to make their coworkers miserable. They typically don’t even see that their behavior is having a negative impact on their coworkers’ emotions—‘It’s nothing personal, it’s just business. We're getting a job done here.’
Underneath the surface of disrespectful, unacceptable behavior, these leaders are not unlike you and me. They feel stress, anxiety, and uncertainty about their future the same way most of us do. Moreover, as leaders they have a spotlight bearing down on them—when things go wrong it’s the leader who takes responsibility. They don’t want to be seen as incompetent, they feel threatened and fear failure.
If these individuals haven’t yet honed the skills needed to be a great leader, they will lash out and act without thinking, unaware of the effect they’re having on those around them—and unaware that, ironically, the success outcomes they’re working toward are less likely to happen when their people feel disrespected or bullied.
Fortunately, these individuals also tend to be cognitively brilliant, have great instincts, and want to be successful—meaning they are coachable. I often see with the leaders I work with that they don’t even see that their behaviors are upsetting people, and they sincerely want to change that behavior.
They need help to develop insight into the perceived effect their behavior has on others, and to reframe their expectation that ‘everyone should be just like me!’ They need to learn how to gain control of their aggressive defense tactics against perceived threats, and to develop strategies to achieve their objectives with carrots rather than sticks.
Professional intervention and specialized coaching are effective solutions to this situation (I am a certified coach who specializes in working with executive-level leaders using the Boss Whisperer(R) approach and other conflict-competency modalities). It takes difficult conversations, tough love, and time. But most of all, bravery on the leader’s part to recognize they have behaviors that need to change. What everyone gains in return—especially the leader themselves— will be worth it!
What can you do about it?
If you’re experiencing what I've described here in your own workplace, what actionable things can you do to help the situation?
Whether you are a team or department leader, HR pro, employee, or coworker who is involved in an abrasive leader situation, the awareness you’re getting right here is a good start. Take the hero—or villain—out of the boss-employee equation, and seek to understand the person behind the behavior. You can learn more information here (while you’re on the website, you’ll also find several blog articles on the subject).
Abusive behavior is never OK. If you see it or experience it, you should report it. As a member of your organization, you and your coworkers have the right to feel safe in your workplace. As a leader, your organization has a duty to provide a respectful and safe (both physically and psychologically) workplace. It’s simply the right thing to do and everyone, including the abrasive leader themselves, wins.
When we join a company, partnership or team, our expectation is that everyone involved will exhibit professional behavior toward us and each other. Instead, it’s highly possible that we may become one of the more than 60 million adults in the United States who are affected in some way by bullying behavior at work.
What kind of behaviors are we talking about? Our definition is any interpersonal behavior that causes emotional distress in others sufficient enough to impede their productivity or disrupt organizational functioning. It isn’t just a personality conflict — it’s a chronic pattern of disrespectful behavior.