The Day I Quit My Job: The story of a bully boss
/
When I was in my mid-20s, I moved to New England to work as a shop manager for a construction company. A family business of about 40 employees, I worked directly for the owner, Jack.
I remember like it was yesterday the very first day I arrived at work. Parking my truck and turning the corner toward the building, I heard before seeing my new boss screaming at the top of his lungs at a woman, who I learned later was a sister who worked for him. I really thought they were going to come to blows, but she seemed to be beaming right back at him, so I made myself as invisible as possible and continued on my way into the office.
She ended up being fired that day, and then re-hired not too long after. She was management, as was I, and doing this in front of everybody felt wrong, even to a professional newbie like me. It really bothered me but I decided to stick it out a while to see what would happen.
I worked for Jack for almost four years. We built houses, we built play centers, we built all sorts of different things, anything we could get our hands on. I knew before I took the job that this guy was absolutely brilliant and I would see that time and time again—one of the smartest people you'd ever want to meet. Very innovative and very personable when he wanted (or was able) to be.
He taught me many things about construction and about life. But one of the things I also learned from him is what I know for sure today, and I've made it part of my life’s work: Jack was a poster child for the abrasive leader.
There was a pattern to the way he behaved, one that I recognize now in many of the people I coach:
Sudden bursts of yelling at and fighting with you (employees including family, sometimes contractors or vendors; interestingly, not clients)
Go into retreat mode—essentially abandon you, wouldn’t talk to you for days at a time, hold back information which held up projects, literally would turn his back and walk the other way when he saw you coming
Demean you in front of other people in cruel ways, blaming you for whatever was going wrong whether it made sense or not
Most everybody, including me, was afraid to confront him, and just worked around him the best we could.
One day it came to a head. I had come into work in the morning, after my project the day before had had some kind of setback that wasn’t too serious. Jack had caught wind of it, came right up to me and read me the riot act up, down, and sideways—in front of my entire crew of 40 people!
Instead of taking me aside privately, it was basically a public shaming—and he knew it. I made the decision that day to quit, gave notice too weeks later, and was out of there.
Why did I take it for so long?
Today, as a certified BossWhisperer® coach, I’ve interviewed countless people who find themselves in the orbit of an abrasive leader, and they share the same kind of response to this question:
Am I really that bad at my job?
Boy, I must be awful at this, I guess I’ve got so much to learn.
The boss is so good. They must be right.
Everyone else seems to handle it...What’s wrong with me?
I get it – those are the thoughts that were swirling in my head for a long time. Hopefully sooner than later, it comes to the point where you realize, “No, it’s actually NOT me—this person is not good at this management stuff,” often followed by, “I’m done, I’m not going to take it anymore!”
And then they may report the boss to HR/management, get themselves moved to another team or department—or quit.
After I gave my notice, one of the company’s vendors took me out for a farewell lunch. As we sat together he said, “Congratulations, Mark!” I responded, “Thanks, George, but why are you congratulating me?”
George said, “Well, you're the one that's lasted the longest ever in that company! It’s been four years working with this guy, right? Everybody in the community knows he's a crazy person to work for.”
The good news: There are ways to work with abrasive leaders to help them change their management style for the better. In most cases (I know it was true for Jack) they don’t realize the harm they’re causing and can learn how to manage their behavior with others in a kinder, more productive and professional way.
If you believe there’s someone in your organization like Jack with an abrasive leadership style, I invite you to take our free Abrasive Leader Diagnostic™ which we’ve developed in our coaching work to determine the situations that need attention from leadership. It could shift the entire organizational culture — and personal lives — for the better.
When we join a company, partnership or team, our expectation is that everyone involved will exhibit professional behavior toward us and each other. Instead, it’s highly possible that we may become one of the more than 60 million adults in the United States who are affected in some way by bullying behavior at work.
What kind of behaviors are we talking about? Our definition is any interpersonal behavior that causes emotional distress in others sufficient enough to impede their productivity or disrupt organizational functioning. It isn’t just a personality conflict — it’s a chronic pattern of disrespectful behavior.