Abrasive Behavior at Work: Who is the Abrasive Leader?
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I’ve written plenty on how abrasive leadership isn’t conducive to a healthy, conflict-competent workplace environment. But what about the abrasive leader? How does this behavior affect them?
The defining traits that will damage an abrasive leader’s career will also damage their personal lives. An abrasive leader isn’t only likely to find themselves on the ropes professionally, they’re going to face real world consequences in every area of their life.
Common co-worker complaints of repeated behaviors are: public humiliation; unpredictable or demeaning behavior; yelling or lack of emotional control; inappropriate hostile or sexual comments or behaviors; maligning another’s character or reputation. Do you think someone who exhibits these characteristics professionally suddenly flips a switch on their way out of the office to transform into a considerate, encouraging, or stable individual in their personal life?
“Abrasive leaders become winners…”
Let’s make something clear from the get-go—Abrasive leaders aren’t lacking in ability. In fact it’s often their technical competence that led to their rise to management. Their skills in their field are rarely brought into question. But leadership is about much more than technical skill; it’s about emotional intelligence and interpersonal social skills.
What does a leader with competence in these areas look like? Dr. Laura Crawshaw, founder of the ‘abrasive leaders’ concept, notes in her interview in Winners Who Become Losers that competent leaders “successfully maneuver themselves and their teams through the inevitable interpersonal rough patches present in any workplace, keeping emotional distress, and the resulting distraction, to a minimum.” Not only does this appear to be a wonderful skill set professionally, but it also sounds like the ideal way to navigate any relationship in or out of the office.
... who become losers”
Conversely, abrasive leaders “rub people the wrong way,” harming working relationships through aggressive or intimidating behavior, and stifling communication through fear of an emotional outburst. As you can imagine, this also translates poorly to a personal relationship. But what’s at the core of these traits? Why do abrasive leaders act in a way that’s so harmful?
Dr. Crawshaw answers: fear. “Through the years, I learned that most abrasive leaders are neither evil nor insane; they are fearful of perceived threats to their competence that could jeopardize their workplace survival… The vast majority of abrasive leaders are afraid—afraid of being perceived as incompetent. They, like all of us, want to be perceived as competent, but if anything threatens that perception, they experience intense unconscious anxiety and attack the perceived threat.”
She recalls a past client of hers, a CEO who once complained his senior management team sat silently when pressed for ideas or reactions. When asked why he thought they didn’t respond, he answered: “I don’t know—they’re either lazy or stupid,” the standard abrasive leader’s diagnosis of incompetence. Not speaking up was due to laziness or being simpleminded.
What was inconceivable was the possible reality (confirmed through coworker interviews) that no one voiced their ideas for fear of being attacked by him. This CEO instilled fear into everyone under him, couldn’t see the oppressive nature of his workplace attitude, and was blind to its effects on the team’s communication. Could you imagine living under the same roof as this person?
Another was a surgeon who argued that he needed to “shout, throw surgical equipment, and kick doors” to get his assistants to perform. He was blind to the truth that aggressive, unpredictable behavior leads to an unnerved team, which results in more errors. Dr. Crawshaw quotes David Rock’s Your Brain at Work, which presents neuroscientific confirmation that “in response to threat, blood flow is diverted from other parts of the brain, impairing analytic thinking and problem solving.” Would you want to be a patient on this team’s operating table?
Next steps…
It’s not hard to imagine that the personality traits which lend themselves to abrasive leadership are also self-destructive. Lack of consideration, ignoring problems in favor of perceived faults of others, or simply a complete lack of awareness, have far longer-reaching effects than a poor performance review.
Boss Whispering(R) is a coaching method I use with clients designed specifically for abrasive leaders. This approach helps individuals quickly gain insight into the impact of their words and actions, and learn how to develop non-destructive management strategies. It’s a highly confidential process which involves a series of in-person or virtual coaching sessions. Many clients are amazed that there was a problem at all, and become grateful for the solution.
If you believe a coworker or leader you know may be exhibiting abrasive behavior and you’re wondering what to do, the first step is to determine if the behavior fits the characteristics of the abrasive style. I encourage you to take our Abrasive Leadership Diagnostic™— not only to help the target of the abuse and improve your workplace environment, but also to help the abrasive leader make a life-shifting positive change.
A final quote from Dr. Crawshaw: “the situation isn’t hopeless, and they aren’t helpless.”
When we join a company, partnership or team, our expectation is that everyone involved will exhibit professional behavior toward us and each other. Instead, it’s highly possible that we may become one of the more than 60 million adults in the United States who are affected in some way by bullying behavior at work.
What kind of behaviors are we talking about? Our definition is any interpersonal behavior that causes emotional distress in others sufficient enough to impede their productivity or disrupt organizational functioning. It isn’t just a personality conflict — it’s a chronic pattern of disrespectful behavior.